I’ve been thinking alot about my future lately. Alot about who I am and where I want to be. I’m tired of living in a tornado of thoughts that make no sense. I finally, FINALLY want to be an adult and grow and give back to the world.

I have never had the opportunity to spend much time with kids but today I got to spend almost a whole day with my 5 year old cousin by ourselves. It was pretty intense. I had so much fun just being silly. I was singing a Jewel song into a bottle in the grocery store and embarassing her. She said she didn’t want anyone to see me. I really enjoyed trying to explain things to her. Like how we are cousins because our mothers are sisters. We had a picnic of bologna sandwiches, ruffles and macaroni salad. Even bought some irises and put them outside with us, blew bubbles and shot flies with a water gun.

Mariah doesn’t know that Floyd died. All she knows is that he used to live with her and now he is gone and is living with his father. She asks about him constantly, wants to talk to him and see him. She doesn’t understand why he doesn’t call her and the worst part of it is she doesn’t understand why he can’t come to her bday party on Saturday. We have dog chains that my aunt Lynda had made with Chris’s picture on them. She wears it every day and sometimes puts it up to my mouth and say “kiss Chris”. It’s really sweet, yet she will have to understand one day. When is the right time? How do you explain that?

Some people would like to try to avoid thinking, talking about and feeling the pain of the lost of your loved one. It makes me feel so much better as I know I can’t change what has already been done and the only way to be close to my brother is to keep believing in him. There was an AC/DC moment in the car yesterday that had to be him. I was refreshed. Being in San Francisco I started to feel that precious peace slipping away from me. I started feeling dark and depressed. Being back in Texas is exactly what I needed to do in order to get back in touch with what has actually happened. Dark thoughts are still creeping up on me at times and scaring the shit out of me.

Nate is really understanding and has sort of become my therapist in a way. Whenever I start feeling dark and depressed, I just tell him what’s on my mind and he reassures me that it is all part of what I am going through. I love him so much. Being away from him his hard but I continue to hold my head high and know that nothing could ever break the bond we have. He was turned out to be the most amazing person I have ever allowed into my life. Thank you for that, Baby and for being so strong when I need you to be. You have convinced me that perfection does exist. It exists when I see your smile, hear your unselfish words time after time and believe in the love that we have for eachother.

To this day, what has happened to my brother is still so hard to believe. I was smelling his clothes yesterday and can’t really figure out how to explain what I felt. It hurt so much but yet was comforting as that is the closest to his physical form I will ever get again. While I was driving around I was imagining him in his mustang because I know he had passed through these same spots before. I remembered how handsome he was and how he would rock out his music so loud…and hit curbs. God damnit I miss him so much. It doesn’t help that the last time I saw him was in May of 2006. I have to imagine him being here (in San Antonio) because I never experienced it. Well, except for when we were visiting together.

He had grown up so much in those 9 months. He had grown a goatee. He was starting to carry himself upright and didn’t really look like my baby brother anymore. I believe it was from working so hard and beginning to earn his own living. I will never know what caused the accident to happen. Was it a simple trip and fall? The marijuana found in his pocket? Did the machine catch his sleeve and yank him down? I’m not sure I even want to know because there is nothing I can do about it. I can only deal with the pain as it comes through me and learn to grow with it. With my brother by my side and filling my heart with the only thing that I know matters in this world.

Love.

The beginning of our trip has been quite interesting. First off, I had to leave my Baby for the first time in several months. The day before I knew I had to leave, I got really scared that something would happen and I would not be able to be back in his arms. I mean, I was terribly horrified and confused and didn’t even know why I was going to Texas in the first place. Or, this could be because my mother said to me “nobody knows why you’re coming”.

I realize that my personality counters itself with two extremes in order to cope with our game of life. The day I had to leave, I felt myself become extremely strong and ready to do what I knew I had to do. Drive away in his car and leave him behind. I’m sad and miss him the most right now, but I know I will see you soon Baybeh!

We are camped out in a roach motel called, MOTEL, in Clint, Texas. It’s right above the Rio Grande, river outside of good ol’ Juarez, Mexico. I almost hoped to see the Arrested Development stair car parked alongside the river with Mexicans hopping across. 

There are very few cars here, it’s strangely quiet and in the middle of nowhere. Ew. I’m wearing Nate’s blue-pants (sorry, Baby) and a hoodie—–>with the hood on so I don’t have to touch anything.

Cokes is doing very well. She’s really surprised me. Bless her little heart. I am UTTERLY grateful to have her barking ass protecting us!

With all that being said, now I want to ramble about the chain of events as some are just too fucking swell to forget……

We ended up getting pulled over on I-5 on our way to LA. I know what you’re thinking, “what the hell did Kyle do now?” Well, the cop pulls us over on a busy fucking freeway, walks over to the passenger door and tickets Kyle for not having his seat-belt on. The mother-fucker didn’t even want to look at my license when I tried to hand it to him! 

We stopped at a road side attraction of sorts to see “The Thing”. Plus, it had a DQ. Steak finger basket, here we come! They didn’t have the fucking basket but at least the chicken strips came with country gravy. At the very least, cause they were nasty. The hillbillies behind the counter were cute, it their own little sensible ways. One of the kids commented on our chili-pepper tattoos and told us he would show us his thing for $5. We only had to pay $3 for all of us to see The Thing. I won’t ruin it for you in case you ever make the trip.

The rest of the drive was fine except for us fighting over music and stops. All I knew was that I was not spending the night in El Paso. Thank you, Salton Sea.

Which brings us to the roach. More to come…..

Poor little emo Chicken. He was so sad when we brought Bandy home and pouted like a 4 year old child. I mean, look at his face. He wants nothing to do with that puppy and just can’t believe that we do. Not to mention he shivered and drooled uncontrollably when we took him to get Bandit in the first place. Silly little guy.

This post is not only about Chicky. This post is about the power I feel/am feeling from the other side. The power of Floyd.

Last night, I took Chicken across the street with me to the corner store. I usually talk to him just like a person as I swear, he understands english. Spanish? Well, not so much. For example, if he’s begging I just say quietly “Graham, it’s not nice to beg, go lay down please” and he abides.

Well, last night when about to cross the street, I said “Okay, after this car” —-> to Graham, but mainly to myself. All he heard was “Okay”. He booked it into the street and got plowed by a fucking car. I wish I could get these images out of my head as they have been tormenting me all day. Seriously, I thought he was a goner.

After the car hit him, DROVE OFF and I freaked-the-fuck-out, Chicken just ran across the street and waited for me at the front gate. He seemed to be okay.

When we got upstairs Nate and I poked and prodded him yet nothing seemed to be wrong. He’s been rough-housing with Bandit all day which gives me further confirmation that he’s fine. How in the hell is that possible? I’m taking him to the vet in the morning just to make sure, but damn…that Floyd is a powerful little angel. I love you infiniously brother and thank you so much. I hope you can read this…..

I have a bad habit of acting viciously upon my emotions and never looking into the logical side of things. That’s why I have very special people in my life I refer to as “my logical thinkers”. You know who you are and without you, I would not be complete.

Most recently I have decided to to quit my job and look for something a little more heartwarming. Something fun, like say….bartending For years, I’ve been focusing on this “career” of mine in office administration. Right out of highschool~to college (briefly) for office admin.

I would much rather like to make a living doing something that I care about and believe in. I would love to work with children who may have been through some of the same experiences that I have and offer my perspective to them. In that way, I think I could make a difference.

I took a break in the summer of 2000 and waitressed at a restaurant in the middle of the red rock mountains in Utah. That was when I started to understand that there was more to life than the average American dream. I mean, working, getting married and popping out kids is just what we have always understood our goals to be. At least for me. I worked in this little cafe in Utah that specialized in such items as Pickle and Pinto Bean Pies. Sounds gross doesn’t it. It was. But ALOT of people from all over the world came to this little cafe to taste the pies. I wasn’t making much money but I was making enough and I was learning how to enjoy life and be a “free-spirit”.

Although I still have a long road to travel, I realize what a long way I’ve come. It used to be so fatiguing for me going out anywhere and being around people that I wasn’t familiar with. I probably should have been on medication but I have always had issues with altering my mind/emotions. I believe that they exist for a reason and it is up to me to overcome and not supress them. Thus, making me a stronger, better person. As you can imagine, having had the opportunity to live in San Francisco has done wonders for my spiritual, mental and emotional growth. If you are offered a chance, take it. Your live will be forever changed.

 I started writing this post about a month ago but just never got around to finishing it. As it nears time for me to “take the plunge” I am getting more and more excited. April 13, 2007 will be my last day as a legal assistant at Zacks Utrecht & Leadbetter. Whew! It’s been a LONG time in the coming. Almost 6 years to be exact. I am so happy to free myself of this burden. On this day I will also be doing my behind the wheel driver’s test to get my California Driver’s License. April 13, 2007 is also my Granny’s birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRANNY!

That next week sometime, I will be packing up the car and heading to my homeland with my brother, Chicken and Tim in tow. Haven’t taken a road trip in awhile so it should be alot of fun.

I can’t wait to see my family. I can’t wait to see my brother’s memorial. I just want to go lay out there for a day and pour my heart out. Ask him to be by my side everyday for the rest of my life. To help me be happy by making others happy and fullfilling my portion of our circle of love.

I will miss many things about San Francisco in general, but what I will miss this most is the security of being in the arms of the man I love. I will miss having his gorgeous smile to wake up to everyday. He still whispers sweet nothings into my ears all night and I wake up feeling happy and loved. Then I see him smile and I realize for the umpteenth time that I am in fact, the luckiest girl in the world.

Nate, you are the link that holds my heart in place. You better me in ways I never thought possible and I am continuously growing with your love and strength as my inspiration. I love you infiniously, and I will miss you the most.

While stopped at a stop light the other day, my cousin (Tyler), his month old baby (Tyler) and wife (Stephanie) were plowed into by an SUV. The truck apparently spun around, ROLLED and was smashed to shit. Both vehicles totaled, yet nobody was injured. Well, that baby was born exactly 2 days before my brother passed away last month. Our angel, FLOYD is looking out for that baby.

He’s looking out for everyone in our family. We are truly blessed to have such a powerful entity on our side. When I go to sleep at night I pray to my brother and tell him how much I miss him and how much I will always love him.

I believe in the power of Floyd. The truly beautiful soul that would go out of his way to help anyone and everyone that came across his path. I appreciate this so much because it’s so easy to get carried away with our own selfishness. He was never that way. Never had a chance to be. He just loved, and was loved. Unconditionally.

I’ve been thinking about my brother alot lately and how his crossroad is affecting so many other parts of the universe. I’ve most recently quit my job for moral reasoning. I can’t stand the fact of wasting my time doing something that I have absolutely no passion for. What am I even passionate about? I’ve never even had a chance to figure that out for myself. I just sort of float around (it’s the fish in me) and take things as they come my way.

I do feel like everything I have ever done in my life has lead me to my current partner. Nate is perfection. I can honestly tell you that even if there is just 1 little thing about someone, it’s not worth it. Perfection does exist and I have been lucky enough to find it. I feel like I am a real person. A real person who is now discovering the parts that are missing. A real person who will find their truenss through the help of someone who loves them. Unconditionally.

While I am afraid of the consequences I might endure, I am more excited to embrace the adventure for all it’s worth. I mean, what else can I do, really? Just look at that face. I love you, brother.

I explored the Tattoo Expo yesterday with Nate and his sister Betsy (visiting from Virginia). While Nate was getting tattooed for hours, Betsy and I became bored and decided to get some piercings. I got my first labret piercing and I’m not really likeing it. It’s swollen and I keep biting down on it. Fucking hurts. Hopefully it will get a little better as the days go on. I aslo pierced the back of neck with a thin little bar and two flat circles on each end. It’s awesome. I love it, and I can’t wait to get my hips done next. Betsy pierced just underneath each collar bone. It looks damn good. I hadn’t ever seen that before. Well, at least not in real life. I’m also going to be dying my hair blue before I leave for Texas. Bleaching and then dying to be exact. Something I’ve always wanted to do but never had the opportunity. I was always afraid of losing my jobs. (Thanks, to Baby for all of this.) Maybe next I will pull a Britney and shave it all off!!! The possibilities are endless. God, I’m such a rebel….*eyes roll*